It Hurts
by panicpeachpit
Summary: One-shot. My own continuation of 'Reaping The Whirlwind Part Two', so will contain SPOILERS. More of a thinking type thing. Rated M for strong language. Includes references of suicidal thoughts. Ethan blames himself for every little thing regarding Cal's death, and he doesn't know what to do about it. All he wants is for it all to stop hurting - but chances are, it never will.


It hurts.

It hurts so much. So much. It feels like somebody is pulling out his heart and trampling on it. It feels like the world is ending. It feels like he's all alone and that feels like hell.

Ethan cries harder.

His brother. His big brother, who swore to stay with him forever, is laying on a trolley with a tube down his throat and blue lips. His big brother, who tells Ethan how much he loves him without words, is not breathing or moving. He is not living.

Hands are stroking Ethan. It has been over five minutes that Ethan has stayed, hunched over his big brother's body. Perhaps people are feeling concerned that there are more sobs escaping his body than breaths.

He doesn't respond to the hands. All he does is bury his face deeper into Cal's neck, smelling what is left of Cal's cologne and shampoo which is almost covered by the metallic scent of blood and the horrid stench of death. God, the blood. Ethan had never seen that much on Cal before.

"We need to take him now, Ethan."

Ethan is forcibly removed from his big brother. Many more hands are grasping Ethan's shoulders and body, one belonging to Charlie and several others from his colleagues who are stained with tears and his brother's blood.

"No! Don't take him away, you can't take him away!" Ethan's voice is weak and pathetic. The sobs are drowning his pleas out, but that doesn't matter. Nobody listens to them anyway.

His big brother. Oh, his big brother. He's all Ethan's got and he's lying, dead, on a bed which is stained with the blood which poured out of his body just like the tears are pouring out of Ethan's eyes.

Caleb Knight always used to say that it was his job to protect his little brother. That's what brothers do, right? Protect each other?

But Ethan has failed and it's hurting him.

He should've BEEN there! Why wasn't he _there?_

Charlie is behind Ethan now. It sounds as though Connie is in Resus too, by the sound of a voice which is too soft and womanly to be Charlie's, but Ethan isn't sure. All he knows is the pain that is stabbing him, the pain that is too much and the tears that are tasting salty in his mouth and the sobs that are hurting his throat.

Ethan can see the trolley which he's being dragged away from, albeit gently done, and he is no longer crying.

He is screaming.

He is screaming, shouting, yelling and pleading. He doesn't recognise his voice but it's hurting his ears.

They are taking his big brother away. They are covering his face with the sheet that is stained with red and starting to push him out of resus. Cal's face is hidden.

Ethan pulls away from Charlie and whoever else is there. He runs. He stops the trolley, which is mid way out of resus, and drags the sheet down. Cal's face is white and his lips are still blue.

Ethan's shaking Cal. He's shaking him so hard, desperately trying to wake him up. _Wake up, Cal, wake up._

Ethan came to the conclusion that Cal was simply sleeping. He's just sleeping. Ethan knows this. The others tried to wake him up earlier but failed, so it is now Ethan's job to wake him.

Ethan always has to wake Cal! Oh, dear, he's such a deep sleeper.

"Ethan, stop! He's gone, he's dead - Please... stop."

Ethan's screaming at Cal now. Charlie is pulling him away and so is everyone else. He screams. He falls to the floor and he screams but hardly any sound comes out. He sees the faces of people but he doesn't know who they are. He doesn't know anything apart from the pain, the pain, the overwhelming pain that is never going to stop.

But Ethan is pulled away from the most important person in the world and he is taken, screaming and crying, to a different room.

Ethan escapes.

He hates the looks. Everyone is looking. They're scared. They're worried. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything.

Ethan feels like fucking shit. Ethan doesn't know what to do, he just doesn't. Nobody can fix his heart because it's gone and torn. Nobody can stop that pain.

He's in the staff room. There's something in his hands. It's like, although his brain is not working and all he can do is scream and cry, his body knows. He is gripping the object, so tightly, and he doesn't even know what it is.

Ethan realises he's holding a knife.

Cal was stabbed. Ethan knows that but he doesn't remember how. Perhaps somebody must have said something. Or perhaps it was the giant hole in his big brother's stomach which gave Ethan a big fucking clue as to what he died from.

Ethan holds the knife to his stomach. He wants to feel pain. Not the type he is feeling now. A different one.

He wants his brother. He wants him so much. He wants to be with him, he wants to feel his brother's arms around him and he especially wants to hear the soothing sound of his brother talking to him.

 _Life's too short._

Ethan feels the knife torn out of his hands, he hears Alicia screaming at him, and everyone is begging him to stop. The knife is gone. _Just_ like Ethan's brother.

And it's all his own fault.

Ethan is clinging to Charlie now, wailing and repeating the same word over and over again. The same word he had been crying over his brother's body.

 _No._

No, it's _no_ t fair.

No, Cal _shouldn't_ be dead.

No, Ethan _shouldn't_ be alive.

No, there is _no_ solace in Charlie's arms.

No, Ethan can _never_ escape from this.

No.

Guess what.

It really hurts.

 **A/N:** _Back after a bit of a hiatus with this. The latest episode was so heartbreaking and I had to write about it._


End file.
